THE SEDUCTRESS WITHIN

Since the dawn of time, women have been seducing men.  The prevalent spin on seductresses through history is that they seem to be... bad.  Oh, so bad!  The seductress is also usually a woman of power -- a power that relies heaveily on or is intensified by womanlly ways and wiles -- who knows her own mind and understands the naure of the male.  Because of this understanding, she often demonstrates the ability to control men subtly, and not so subtly, through her sexuality.

The the seductress has often been viewed through the ages as a fallen woman, it's time to reframe that view and recognize the naturalness and appropriateness of such a role falling to women.

There are thousands of cases in point -- in the Bible, history books, literature, the movies, and real life -- that confirm the following:  Most men want to be seduced, and women are the best seducers on the planet.

Throughout history men have been led to temptation, spun  into ecstasy by the notion of pleasing a woman and being rewarded with her love and affection.  For some men, temptation has led to a gloriously open heart and titillation of the loins, but for others it has led to self-destruction.  At the very least, a bold and skillful seductress has more than once been powerful enough to weave some very sticky political webs, initiate a war, or bring down a leader.  Samson and Delilah, Cleopatra and Caesar, and even Pocahontas and John Smith are love matches that involved a woman who in some way unraveled a man or controlled his destiny through seduction.  But seductresses, more often than not, take no prisoners; they merely know how to extend an invitation to a man in such a way that he surrenders to passion.

Many of the seductresses throughout history were quite creative and bold, and many of their ideas have modern applications.  For example:

• Cleopatra, Egyptian Queen of the Nile, used bold thatrics to get Julius Caesar's attention by having herself rolled naked in a rug and delivered to his chamber.  To get mark Antony, she sailed into Rome on a glitzy party ship with sails saturated by the sensual scent of Jasmine.  It was so rich and entertaining that he could not resist going after his best friend's former lover.  When it came to keeping a man under her spell, she was known for the use of aromatics and potions.  Cleopatra's fruity love elixir was said to stir the loins of the lowliest servants, who, after sipping the concoction, would pledge loyalty.
• Josephine kept her beloved conqueror, Napoleon Bonaparte, hooked during the French Empire by giving him something most modern women would fear is socially incorrect, not to mention unhygienic: her unbathed body, with all its natural scents.  Legend has it she would not bathe for a week before his return from battle because he adored her natural aromas.  She'd anoint herself with violets, mixing that aphrodisiacal scent with her natural pheromones.  When sending him off to war again, she'd make sure the scent of violets went with him so that he would go crazy for her while away from home.
• Mata Hari knew in war-torn France what women have known for centuries: dance is a way to express the erotic, and dancers have the ability to titillate the imagination and to tantalize men.  She captured the attentions of many, not just with beauty but also with charm and her ability to lure men by using her gift for entertaining the.  In her heyday, her stardom was an aphrodisiac few men could ignore.  The fact that she could be like an ice queen, removed and distant (just like the actress Greta Garbo, who portrayed her in the classic 1932 film Mata Hari) added to her allure.  Of course, Mata Hari was alleged to be a spy, and an appearance before a filing squad sealed her fate.  Yet she was a seductress extraordinaire who turned espionage into an art form, and knew how to enlist powerful men to help her cause.

The most important thing to remember in the game of seduction is that it's what between your ears, that's right, your ears, that's most important.  Your mind conjures the moods, sets the stage, learns the motions.  Your personality -- realy -- is what attracts men in and out of the bedroom.

WHAT IS A SENSUOUS LOVER?

This is not for the faint of heart... :)

Friction sex is the rubbing together of body parts.

It can feel pleasurable.  For many it is the predominant mode of sexual expression.  Friction sex, however, lacks certain qualities: the sensual and the intimate.

Sensuality is the appreciation of all the sensory modes:  flavor, fragrance, hue, texture, timbre, contour, and more.  A sensuous lover is willing to take the time.

Intimacy is openness to our own feelings and to our spouse's feelings.  It is honesty, vulnerability, and trust.  There is willingness to listen and to communicate.  While one need not necessarily be romantically in love, there is always respect.

In contrast to the repetitious nature of inter-course, sensuous sex flows.  One moment ma be spontaneously playful, the next quietly reverent.  There is lingering, allowing the next feeling and touch to unfold.  In exploration, new joys are welcomed.

To be a sensuous lover, then, is to blend the sensual, the sexual and the intimate.

ROMANTIC INTERLUDES

From earliest childhood most of us received the message "don't touch."  In the past, touch, and especially sexual touch, was limited to the bedroom with the lights out and was for procreation only.  It was certainly not for pleasure.  Later, society acknowledged that exual touch could be enjoyed as an end in itself.

Only now are certain segments of our society beginning to realize that nurturing and appreciation of the sense can be pleasureable also.  These are methods of communication, ways to say "I care."  They do not have to lead to further sexual involvement, althought they may if the couple chooses.

Massage is one method of touch and sensory awareness that is becoming more and more socially acceptable. 

It is my belief that we miss many opportunities to enjoy warm, intimate relationships and experiences because there is the expectation that touching and nurturing, expecially touching which could be considered erotice will automatically  lead to inter-course.  This does not have to be the case.  There are times that the only goal is to relax and enjoy pleasure.

Find ways to show you care; utilizing nurturing touch and providing comforting pleasure to your spouse.  It will be recipricated.

TURN UP THE HEAT

In theory, if your home was too cold, there would be two primary ways to create a warmer temperature.  The first would be to shore up the cracks.  You'd walk around the house making sure the windows were tightly closed; you'd check the weather-stripping, the insulations in the attic, and any cracks in the walls, around the edges of doors, and so forth.  In doing so, you'd keep additional outside cold air from entering the house.  The other, more direct (and more quicker) approach would be to simply turn up the heat.  BINGO - in a matter of a few minutes, your home would be warm and cozy - irrespective of any tiny cracks.

You can easily extend this metaphor to your relationship.  You can attempt to create warmth and closeness by fixing everything that's wrong.  Theoretically, if you were able to mend each issue and repair every imperfection, you'd have one terrific relationship filled with warmth and love.

But like heating a home, a more direcct (and more effective) approach would be to (metaphorically) turn up the heat.  In a practical sense, this means that you ignite every warmth indicator you can possibly think of.  You become kinder and more generous, and you start dishing out more compliments.  You become less critical, stubborn, and judgmental.  Instead of being irritated, you practice patience and forgiveness.  You begin to use more eye contact and better listening skills.  You choose being kind over being right, and you put the needs of your partner before your own.  You say and do the things that you used to say and do when you first met.  In short, you do anything and everything that is associated with loving behavior.  If you turn up the heat in this way, your relationship will blossom despite the fact that there are tiny flaws.  In fact, with enough warmth, most flaws and imperfections will work themselves out without much involvement or efffort.

As obvious as this is (when you actually sit down and think about it), it's almost never done.  Most of the time the other approach is taken - trying to fix deficiencies.  Frequently, people will say, "I can't turn up the heat until certain conditions are met, until he or she begins to change."  The problem is, the type of change you're looking for is almost impossible in the absence of enough heat.  It's putting the cart before the horse.

LET IT GO ALREADY

One day I was driving in the car, listening to a radio call-in talk show.  In less than half an hour, three people called in to complain about something their spouse had done, or in one case "may have done."  In all three cases, the so-called issued had happened at least a year prior to the call.  One woman's issue was that her husband "may have flirted" with another woman some two years ago.  She was absolutely consumed with this, unable to let it go, and was wondering what to do.  Another complained that, in years past, her husband had seemed distant and had become a poor listener.  She was trying to figure out what she had done wrong.  It was as if she were playing Ping-Pong in her mind, saying things like, "It could have been this or it may have been that."  Finally, a man called to share his frustration that in their first year of marriage, his new wife had rached up some hefty credit card bills.  He couldn't sleep nights because he was caught up in the fear that she might, at some point, repeat this behavior, despite the fact that she seemed to have curbed her habit and learned her lesson.  He was still angry with her for "what she had done to their future security."

I felt like yelling, "Let it go already!"  But that was hardly the advice the hostess was offering.  To the contrary, she encouraged them to get even more caught up and analytical about the events and issues, and to fill their heads with doubts, fears, and additional concerns.  She would say things like, "Have you considered that there may be a pattern here?"  and "I've heard this before.  Be careful."

Before I go on, let me assure you that I'm not making a case for flirting outside of marriage, poor listening skills, or overspending.  All three issues can, and often do, contribute to problems in marriages, as well as other relationshops.  However, most people seem to completely igore the negative  impact of hanging on to such issues to a point of diminishing returns -- and the impact this unwillingness to let things go has on our relationships.  We forget what a drag it is to be around people who can't let go of things and who hold onto past issues.  We fail to realize how difficult it is to remain loving to someone who holds us to unrealistic expectations, and who makes no room in their heart for the fact that we are human.  There's an old saying that applies not only to these three callers, but to most of the rest of us as well:  "Enough is enough."

Relationships can be challenging enough without the added burden of keeping past issues alive and vibrant in your mind.  It's helpful to remind yourself of what happens to your own capacity to love, forgive, and grown when you are consumed with something that is over and done with.  Usually, when your head is filled with fear, suspicion, and frustration -- practically anything but love.  Your frustrations will usually spill over into other areas as well, and you'll probably end up being upset about all sorts of "small stuff."

We're not talking about buring your head in the sand.  The truth is, we all make mistakes, act less than perfect, and have at least occasional errors in judgment.  The ideal environment to get through these things, however,  is an environment of forgiveness and nonjudgment.  In other words, if someone you love has made any type of mistake, the best you can do is remain loving and supportive yourself, and not turn the issue into a gigantic event.  That way, your rapport will remain intact and your partner will feel comfortable discussing the issues between you and will feel supported in your growth as a couple.

So, if you're carrying around or still holding on to issues from your past, it may be time to simply let them go.  Instead of harboring negative feelings and staying uptight, make the decision to forgive, forget, and more on.  You'll be rewarded with a richer, more open and honest, and far more loving and nourishing relationship.

LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF

Almost nothing immunizes us from the every day frustrations more than a healthy sense of humor -- particularly the ability to laugh at ourselves.  Every long-term relationship gets to a point where your spouse knows you almost as well as you know yourself.  He or she will see your quirks, anticipate your unhealthy responses, and know the ways that you sometimes get in your own way.  Even if you tried, it would be difficult to hide your true self from your partner.

If you are unable to laugh at yourself, you're in for a long, bumpy ride.  You will struggle in your relationships because, as your spouse teases you, notices your flaws, and occasionally points them out, you will feel and probably act a bit defensive.  This, in turn, will exacerbate and highlight your weaknesses, making them seem far more significant.  What's more, your reactions to your spouse's comments will create additional issues for the two of you to deal with, and your "small stuff" will start to seem like big stuff.

If you look around at the happiest and most loving relationships, you'll almost always notice that both people have an ability to laugh at themselves.  Both partners will have the perspecitve necessary to stay lighthearted as their own imperfections come to the surface.  This creates an environment where occasional teasing or kidding around is okay, and where one feels safe in making observations or suggestions.  Your relationship has the chance to deepen and grow because both parties feel safe.

GIRL TALK

So How Do You turn your relationshop into a Grrreat Romance?

The first thing you need, of course, is the simple desire to do it.  You have to want to bring Grrreat Romance into your relationship.

The second thing; Grrreat Romance requires you to respect the differences between you and your spouse.  And one of those differences is sex.

Guess what?  Sex probably doesn't mean the same to him as it does to you.  It's tough to generalize about something so profoundly personal.

Women enjoy sexual relations the most when their emotional needs are being met.  And men are much more open to the emotional side of a relationship when their physical needs are being met.

It's so hard to find time and energy to devote to your relationship.  But as Ellen Kreidman points out in her book, "Light HisFire," if you don't have an affair with your partner, someone else will!  That leads me to the final key to Grrreat Romance:  You have to put it on your schedule.

Just Do It!!  Show your lover that he's a priority in your life.  And that's how you turn a relationship into a really Grrreat Romance.